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Wednesday, June 10, 2015

IS NAJIB JINXED? Only Rosmah will know ...

IS NAJIB JINXED? Only Rosmah will know ...
I’ve always been amused by the Chinese cultural obsession with the idea of luck. We don’t clean our houses in the first three days of Chinese New Year (a practice my mother often complains about once the floor begins to get gritty after a few relatives have made their way over) for fear of sweeping the good luck out of the house. Some of us go to Feng Shui gurus and buy absurdly expensive trinkets to place in our houses because they disperse bad luck or bring in more good luck, among other things.
Sometimes, we consider things – or people – to be the focus of bad luck, which brings us to the core of today’s discussion: Is our Prime Minister really just a bad luck magnet?
Najib’s reign has been filled with disasters both natural and man-made, much more so than previous administrations. Earthquakes, floods and plane crashes and disappearances have left deep scars on the nation’s psyche, endemic financial and political corruption are the order of the day, and all Najib can do is sit helplessly as wave after wave of misfortune batter the walls of his mighty fortress in Putrajaya. If that isn’t bad luck, I don’t know what is, especially since Malaysia is not known for earthquakes or devastating floods.
Since we’re going with the narrative that Najib draws bad luck to him, let’s give our Prime Minister a helping hand. After all, the Chinese community hasn’t quite been doing our part for the sake of Najib’s luck, and we have the expertise and centuries of culture to help readjust his aura. We must “buang sweh” (throw out the jinx). If removing that bad luck results in Najib packing his bags and leaving, well, most of us aren’t going to cry over it.
First off, Najib must start wearing more red, instead of those black suits he wears all the time. Black is associated with dirt, sin, disasters, cruelty, sadness, and a whole litany of unfavourable denominators, all signifying misfortune. No wonder there are so many disasters under his watch. Perhaps Najib was hit by a broom once – a big Chinese taboo – and the curse of the broom can only be lifted by rubbing the area where he was hit, something our traditional masseurs will be more than capable of handling.
Najib must also stop using “1” in his campaign materials, like 1MDB, BR1M and 1Malaysia, as the number signifies loneliness, which should explain why his people are abandoning or turning on him. Instead, the number “8” should figure prominently, since it is lucky. Furthermore, it will make him look up to date with the youth, since he can rebrand 1Malaysia as Mal8sia Boleh.
We must also set candles and oranges to sail to help “buang sweh” whenever Najib makes a gaffe. In fact, all cultures should join in. Hindus have their own set of superstitions around bad luck, and Najib needs as much help as he can get with lemon-chilli totems to ward off the evil eye, or with having his mirrors readjusted, or with a grooming schedule that accords with the days of the week. The Muslim belief that God will punish a nation for tolerating an evil ruler may be relevant here, but let’s not get into that just in case Big Brother is keeping an eye on this and mistakes satire for sedition or the like.
If everything fails, we must accept the sad reality that we cannot expel the bad luck around Najib, and must expel him instead. To all politicians, image is everything, and as the Prime Minister of bad luck, Najib’s image is misfortune incarnate. So the only way to ‘buang sweh’ would be to push everything onto Najib, collecting all bad luck into his person until he leaves office, taking all the “sweh” with him. It is hard to imagine such a scenario considering what a brave Bugis warrior he is, but for the sake of the country, sacrifices must be made by all.
Come, all Malaysians, let us stand strong in the face of bad luck. We might yet overcome. The Prime Minister requires our help, and it would be unpatriotic not to help in whatever small way we can. Together we can buang Najib – I mean,’ buang sweh’ – and restore our country to the harmonious, prosperous nation it once was. Or, we could just stand by and laugh as we watch the grand tragicomedy play itself out. - FMT

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